6/9 David, Panama. After a few days visiting rural Boquete, Panama, in the foothills of the same Talamanca Mountain Range as San Gerardo, I have returned to my quieter room at Pension Fanita. Sent a Father´s Day letter to my father in care of my mail agent in Las Vegas. The subject was wisdom defined as the perception of the world as impermanent, ultimately unsatisfactory and absent of self (meaning not me, not mine).
6/11 David, Panama. An interesting article in Scientific American, May 2008, explains why limited eating results in a longer life. A normal cell-cleaning process called autophagy increases in response to the stress of starvation. Autophagy (from the Greek meaning self-eating) breaks down fragments of junk floating in the cytoplasm to recycle the recovered amino acids in support of essential cell processes. When a diet of one meal a day (not exactly starvation, but approaching it) stimulates autophagy, cells shrink and metabolize available nutrients better. Autophagy also helps defend against invasive bacteria, viruses and damaged mitochondria. My weight measured 141 lbs today without shoes, exactly where it is supposed to be for a healthy, active male, 5'7" tall. This is 11 pounds more than reached during fasting last December. However, now that I do not foresee continuing daily strenuous work on Andarivel, I expect the weight to subside again with loss of excess muscle mass.
6/15 David, Panama. Father´s Day. Restored the rule about eating out of time from the more convenient but arbitrary "2pm" to the traditional "midday". Continuing to read the thirty-four suttas in the Digha Nikaya. Some of them are hard to believe, such as conversations with devas. I am reminded of the first ascetic who met the Buddha after his enlightenment. He could not believe the extravagant claims of the Buddha, therefore just said "May it be so, friend" and went on his way. [Note: later in his life he became a disciple and reached enlightenment]. This is not to imply that some suttas are untrue, just that they don´t correspond to my present world view, but that view could change. The hardest challenge for me is not conceptual. It is just to sit still and practice meditation, paying attention to the four foundations of mindfulness: body, feelings, mind and phenomena viewed in the light of core teachings such as the Four Noble Truths. Casual reading or browsing internet or playing chess or working on Andarivel, even recreational eating, none of these pastimes satisfies completely. Yet there is said to be deep joy and happiness, even rapture, on attaining the elusive four meditative absorptions. To break through to that rarefied level, however, the texts say it is necessary to reduce the five hindrances of desire, ill will, drowsiness, restlessness and doubt. I work on each of these as they come up. I sometimes wonder if the whole adventure of Andarivel, especially owning and cultivating land, but also my role as godfather, might have been a hindrance, a sidetrack, a detour of eight years. However there were things I needed to learn and not from books.
6/16 David, Panama. Having taken care of current obligations, I plan to spend a mini-retreat for a couple of weeks, fasting to reduce prostate pressure and not doing much of anything except studying some Buddhist suttas. No wandering around outside my room, no reading newspapers, magazines or internet mail. I finished the first reading of the 34 Long Discourses (Digha Nikaya), also the book compilation by Bhikkhu Bodhi, In the Buddha´s Words. Now proceeding to read and digest them again while copying the essentials into a small notebook for memorization [see also my Dhamma Study Notes]. Meanwhile an order has been placed for the 152 Middle Length Discourses which are said to be more directed to monks than the lay-oriented Long Discourses.
6/19 David, Panama, Day 3 of a short kickstart fast. Yesterday I began taking two drugs for benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH), an annoying condition for the past ten years but recently getting worse. I suspect an injection of testosterone prescribed by a doctor in San Jose a month ago to cure muscle aches and depression for male menopause (or "andropause") has stimulated prostate growth as an unfortunate side effect. According to an informative article at wikipedia.org, testosterone is converted into a potent growth factor called DHT in the stromal cells of the prostate. The drug finasteride blocks this conversion (an alternate drug dutasteride is even more effective but not available here). A second drug tamsulosin relaxes smooth muscles in the prostate to relieve the pressure on the squeezed urethral tube. I am thankful for access to internet and wikipedia for this information and for the availability of non-antibiotic drugs in Central American pharmacies without a doctor´s prescription. The trade-guild-type restrictions on medical care in the United States greatly drive up costs and limit access. It is hoped that internet will become an agent of change in this respect. Here in Panama the cost of these two drugs finasteride and tamsulosin taken together is about three dollars per day. The elevated levels of testosterone currently circulating in my system due to the injection of Nebido, a three-month timed release, will deplete over time and will not be renewed. Therefore continued use of these new alpha-blocking drugs may not be necessary (for a few more years, at least). I also hope occasional fasting and following a calorie restricted diet (CR) will help keep the prostate size under control.
6/20 David, Panama. Today ended a short fast trying to steer a middle course between the extremes of asceticism and sensory indulgence. Remember that the purpose of eating is to relieve the suffering of hunger, not to indulge the senses.
6/23 David, Panama. This might be my last entry for awhile. I have begun to wonder if maintaining this blog is really helping to advance my practice of meditation "without clinging to anything in the world". Keeping a blog up to date is a project which takes a lot of time and attention, more than just finding an internet site. Thinking about what to say and what has been said can consume hours of time, and meanwhile the mind does not focus on tasks at hand. For example yesterday I stepped on my eyeglasses while doing one thing but thinking about another. The texts say that actions should be performed "with mindfulness and clear comprehension". Mindfulness means paying attention to the task at hand and clear comprehension means understanding the reason for doing it. When I review the reasons for maintaining this blog andarivel.org, one of them has just vanished by the ending of my work on Andarivel, and even then there were not a lot of readers, as far as I know. Now if the only remaining purpose is to document my personal history apart from Andarivel, I wonder how much of this motive would benefit others or how much would merely elaborate a personal ego which can never be completely satisfied. After all, the purpose of spiritual practice is supposed to let go of ego. So I am inclined now to give andarivel.org a rest, at least until further notice. For example, consider the blog for Magnus Carlsen. He does not write it; it is written by his ardent supporter, his father. Meanwhile Magnus just focuses on playing grandmaster chess at the highest level. This should inspire me to concentrate on my own practice. So may all be well. Hasta luego, amigos.
6/24 Back to San Isidro, Costa Rica, to tie up loose ends. On finding Andarivel overgrown with weeds (once again), decided to end the maintenance contract with caretaker Jose Gonzalez. Instead, the responsibility for maintenance will stay with the owners Jesus and Juan, to do as they like. No reply yet to my application for Costa Rican residency, two years pending, but now for all practical purposes no longer a relevant issue for me.
7/16 Finally left Andarivel, but in company with Jesus, Juan and Daniel for an impromptu end-of-school three-night trip to visit San Jose and Heredia. We found our old standby Hotel Gran Imperial closed for fire damage. Found an even better alternate at Deluxe Backpackers Hostel near Morazan Park, with clean decor, a large six-bunk dorm room all to ourselves (low season), kitchen, free internet, TV, unlimited games of pool. They played till midnight while I retired early to nurse a stubborn head cold. Gave the Canon Powershot A510 camera to Jesus for updating Andarivel photos from time to time. Offered each of them a scholarship to the Del Valle private school in San Isidro if motivated, probably not.
7/20 Sunday, breaking of the fellowship. In limbo now in Heredia outside the congestion of San Jose, still not feeling well, waiting for scheduled departure on Thursday, 7/24, San Jose - Dallas - Albuquerque, New Mexico. Some internet. Finished first reading of the Middle Length Discourses but keeping the heavy book (1424 pages) with me.
7/25 Albuquerque Public Library. Resting at the Route 66 Hostel after an exhausting 15-hour odyssey yesterday from Costa Rica, drawn out by airplane mechanical failures, return to gate, thunderstorms, missed connections, and a pilot crew that did not show up for half an hour at DFW. My American Airlines ticket to Albuquerque was upgraded to first class but the beverage I was most glad to get was several glasses of pure water served without ice in a real glass tumbler. After arriving in Albuquerque, now I remember why I could not decide to get an apartment here last February. Like San Diego and Seattle, the city is just too big for me. However, it is only a hop, skip and jump from here to Flagstaff, a favorite retreat visited over many seasons, so I will go over tomorrow by Greyhound bus. The NAU University there has an enlightened policy of providing guest access on some computers, meanwhile the Mt. Elden forest beckons.
7/26 Flagstaff, Arizona, NAU Library. Attending to ordinary needs for food, shelter, clothing and medicine, but with a feeling of deja vu and a sense that there is nowhere else for me to go in this world except inward.
8/7 Flagstaff. I have been staying at the Arrowhead Lodge, 2010 E. Route 66. There is a mesa behind the motel which can be climbed in a few minutes by a path winding up through a vacant lot full of sunflowers. Above and beyond the crest of the mesa, suddenly the noise of auto traffic along Route 66 fades into the background except for the whistles and rebounding echoes of the frequent interstate trains (but no more distracting to meditation practice than the background thunder of Rio Chirripo). The mesa in this monsoon season has beautiful open meadows of green grass, yellow flowers and orange Indian paintbrush among stands of alligator juniper trees, ponderosa pines and gambel oaks. Hardly anyone goes up there and I can spend an entire morning in unbroken solitude. Later in the day when it rains lightly or overnight, I have the refuge of a clean, airy, second-floor room, including telephone, to keep my things safe, do laundry or prepare food. It is a change from former seasons when I camped out homeless, however I am still facing the challenge of reaching the jhana absorptions. The Buddha taught a middle way between the extremes of ascetic self-torture and indulgence in sensual pleasures. Attachment to sensual pleasures is an obstacle to experiencing the rapture of the jhanas. There is a lot of groundwork necessary to reach the jhanas. The steps are described in my notes to the Gradual Training Outline.
8/20 Flagstaff. My Gateway laptop computer stored with my sister arrived last week. The wireless network at my lodgings is better than at the Reno apartment. This has put some pressure on my plan of sitting much of the day, whether inside or outside, because of the strong temptation to get on internet, even late into the night. I have uploaded all of the Andarivel photos to picasaweb for long term storage and organized about 77 albums there (some of them unlisted) in date order. I have also updated my andarivel.org website, creating a sub-domain jwj.andarivel.org, further widening my distance from that busy chapter of my life, now frozen in photos. Also two new pages of photos were created and annotated (Ana's Family and my last pictures of Jesus, Juan and Daniel). A new lightweight Canon SD750 camera has been ordered in spite of some misgivings about getting entangled in worldly ways. A modest donation was made to the NAU Cline Library in gratitude for generously allowing public internet access at some of their terminals over the past years on my seasonal visits to Flagstaff. I think my lack of success in reaching any profound state of peace in all these years has been caused by unabandoned desires. This was the gist of the message the Buddha gave to Mahanama, a householder brother of the senior monks Ananda and Anuruddha. See my Dhamma Study Notes for more details. Desires such as to be loved and respected as a mentor or godfather or to own land and create beautiful surroundings and be in control of my daily routine, or even just peace and quiet. But desires, any kind of desires, always cause restlessness, therefore present a hindrance to attaining the jhana absorptions. Desires weaken and drop away when they are examined with insight, which means seeing the impermanence, potential disappointment and emptiness in them. They are not weakened by indulging in them. Spiritual progression starts with disenchantment which leads to dispassion which leads to letting go which leads to peace.
8/25 Flagstaff. About three and one-half months ago in Costa Rica I received a prescribed injection of testosterone to treat symptoms of chronic fatigue and muscle soreness, especially in the shoulder muscles. (Nebido, testosterone undecanoate, made by Schering in Germany, $84 one shot). It worked great, boosting my free testosterone level from 14.0 pg/mL to 51.1 pg/mL (normal range for a male over 50 years is 8-35 pg/mL). It was the right treatment for ADAM (Androgen Deficiency in the Aging Male). But now the long-lasting three-month intramuscular injection has finally worn off and symptoms have returned. However, here in the United States the mere possession of anabolic steroids without a doctor's prescription is a Schedule III offense (seven years prison). Compare to Canada which only prohibits buying and selling (Schedule IV). Thus the next logical step would be to go get a prescription from a doctor. However I may wait a while to see if one aspirin a day would be sufficient, now that my strenuous daily routine of work on Andarivel has ended. All I have to do these days is climb up to the mesa behind my lodge, a fifteen minute hike. The main drawback to testosterone therapy in my case is stimulus of prostate growth. This has to be opposed by other drugs (finasteride or dutasteride).
8/26 Flagstaff. Ordered a DNA scan of my genome from deCODEme in Iceland after reading a favorable review in Discover Magazine, August, 2008.
8/29 Flagstaff, Arrowhead Lodge. I am almost considering putting my personal laptop in storage because my desire to get on internet all the time gets out of control. If the world is really as impermanent, unsatisfactory and empty of self as I believe it is, then why do I continue to dote on it? There is always something to see, hear, smell, taste, touch or think about. When Andarivel and godsons fade into the background, then the Olympics come and go. Now the political process is heating up. Meanwhile my addiction to chess can consume hours and hours. When I begin to skip my morning walk up to the mesa in order to waste precious hours playing chess, then it is time to pull the plug, or at least delete the icon from the desktop. And now the nifty, new Canon Powershot SD750 just arrived.
8/30 First pictures using the new camera show a panning view from my meditation seat under an alligator juniper on The Mesa behind Arrowhead Lodge. There is a baby gambel oak growing in the shade which I try not to crush. Some ponderosa pines stand scattered about like sentinels. There is also a snapshot of the vacant lot behind my ancient (1939) lodge, robust with yellow sunflowers.
8/31 Started a new page Dhamma Practice Notes. The first entry is about my rules for internet use (mainly not to be used for entertainment). If I can limit computer usage to only what is beneficial, I would like to keep my wireless laptop with me instead of putting it in storage. Sometimes it can be useful and I am not traveling much now. However I will put my little-used printer in storage.
9/05 Sadly, Yahoo Geocities has announced that this account will be changed to a small business account on October 1st. The PageBuilder web page editor will not be available any more. Customized pages such as this one will not be supported by a new editor which requires every page in the web site to have the same design format. This is an example of the rule of change that governs everything in life. Now I am faced with the task of finding and learning a new web page editor if I wish to maintain this site in its present form. There may be an opportunity here to learn something new about web page design although I am satisfied with the way andarivel.org looks now. Other news: a chill in the autumn Flagstaff air has reminded me just how cold it can get here in the winter. Last year after a pleasant October month I left on November 1st. I have canceled my return flight to Costa Rica. Instead I plan to spend this coming winter in Puerto Rico (the island), flying from Phoenix on October 29. "Let not a person revive the past, or on the future build his hopes"... see my Dhamma Study Notes for extracts, summaries and my comments on the Majjhima Nikaya suttas most relevant to me as I peruse the volume again.
9/06 Last night I camped out under open skies for the first time in months. It was at my forlorn old camp behind Mt. Elden.
9/08 Registering a new domain name (jwjway.org) to start a new website, since editing of geocities pages at andarivel.org does not appear to be feasible after October 1st when Yahoo PageBuilder support will end. I hope the andarivel pages and photos can remain as they are without further changes.
9/10 Uncle Holland Porter passed away at age 96.
9/12 MN 17: Jungle Thickets. A discourse on the conditions under which a meditative monk should remain living in a jungle thicket and the conditions under which he should go elsewhere. The Buddha says that if a bhikkhu is not becoming established in mindfulness and concentration and liberation from bondage, he should go elsewhere, no matter whether or not he is obtaining the requisites of food, shelter, clothing and medicine there. But if he is making progress there, he should stay, no matter whether or not the requisites are hard to come by or not. The same applies to staying in a village, town, city, country or in dependence on anyone. If he is making progress, he should stay as long as life lasts, even if told to go away.
Here in Flagstaff I may not have a jungle thicket but I do have a mesa and all the requisites. The only thing possibly lacking is the guidance and company of a teacher. But before deciding if I am making progress or not, I have to make a more serious effort to remove the hindrances such as restlessness. Especially distracting lately has been world news funneled through the screen of my laptop, or entertainments such as chess and music, and the impending termination of the PageBuilder editor at this website andarivel.org.
9/15 Some discouraging results after one week of searching for a host site for new domain jwjway.org. However other people have far worse problems than establishing an identity somewhere in a cloud of electrons. There are refugees from hurricanes who lose their physical homes (Galveston). There are poor people evicted from their homes for not having a valid title (Carmen and godsons). There are casualties of war (Iraq) and natural disasters (China). And everyone without exception has to bear the insults of old age, sickness and death if they live long enough. As an 80 year old man once remarked to me when I hiked past his house on the PCT trail, and he invited me in for a soda pop, "Old age is not much fun." There are said to be two wings to enlightenment, two complementary arms of the practice: calmness and insight. Insight is perceiving the impermanence, suffering and emptiness of everything. It is what is included under "right view" in the eightfold path. The other wing is calming the restless mind to enable insight. I need to develop both these wings, but I think my calmness is in worse shape. I have to keep reminding myself that browsing world news serves no valid purpose.
9/16 A Lonely Planet Guidebook to Puerto Rico arrived from amazon. I should have read it before buying a nonrefundable airline ticket. It gives typical hotel prices around the island so high they appear to be weekly quotes, not nightly quotes. Also most of the tourist motives for going there do not interest me. I don't care about partying late at night drinking rum or beaching or bicycling or making physical contact with the natives. I think I bought the ticket influenced by the memory of my visit there forty some years ago. It was a mistake. I will look for some other jungle thicket. Meanwhile the search for a single excellent night right here and now goes on.
9/19 A new domain jwleaf.org has been registered with a new email address: jwj@jwleaf.org.
9/22 Only about a week remains to review and polish andarivel.org before the changeover to my new domain jwleaf.org. I wanted a domain name somehow connected with trees. I still keep and treasure the leaf of the Bodhi Tree of Enlightenment picked up as it fell near me during my pilgrimage to Bodh Gaya, India. A photograph of it could even become the new site icon and replace my worn old face. Hopefully this Most Recent News page will be continued at the new site, although a satisfactory html editor has not been found yet. I will miss PageBuilder. I hope andarivel.org will remain intact after the yahoo changes. The past history of andarivel with all its pages and pages of photos will be archived at the new domain but I don't expect to develop it more in the near future. All of the photos in their original resolution have also been backed up to picasaweb in 79 albums, 50 of them public. Maintaining this blog, either here at andarivel.org or at the new domain jwleaf.org, has been draining a lot of time and attention, and I have doubts if it is worth it. Only a few months ago I was on the point of ending it completely.
Now it doesn't appear that my godsons in Costa Rica or their mothers care (or dare) to accept my offer of a scholarship to the private school Del Valle in San Isidro. The mothers say they don't want their children to be discriminated because of poverty, but I think they would make a sacrifice for a better education if they could see the value of it. Unfortunately they don't.
9/28 The links within these andarivel.org pages have been reviewed and updated. This may be my last entry here. For the past month my days have been fragmented between peaceful mornings on the Mesa and worrisome attention to internet or world news or politics the rest of the time. Whether or not this blog is continued at jwleaf.org, I feel a need to minimize these distractions to my meditation practice.
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